


Haircuts

by xyvox



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, F/M, Friendship, Insomnia, Sadstuck
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-07-19
Updated: 2013-10-15
Packaged: 2017-12-20 16:11:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/889252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xyvox/pseuds/xyvox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kanaya and Karkat discuss the past few years of their journey, opening old wounds.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Weary Eyes

**Author's Note:**

> Hello reader! Thank you for reading my first shoddy attempt at fanfiction. I hope you like it! Feel free to send some constructive criticism my way. Adieu!

Weary eyes...

The white light of a computer screen reflected off Karkat Vantas’ Cinder-gray skin. His orange eyes glistened with glaze as they lazily skimmed across the lines of gray words. How long had he been awake? Hours? Days? He felt his mind buzz, crying out for sleep. Of course, he refused to be a victim of his own exhaustion, being a rather stubborn child. He sighed as he turned off the computer, effectively killing his only source of light. This was nothing to him, he could walk this path blind, having made this trip more times that he cared to admit.  
He stepped on the transportalizer, bracing himself for the strange, slightly nauseating sensation that came with being zapped through a hole in the fabric of space. In a flash of light, he appeared in the ‘small room’. He called it this, primarily to belittle it. It was, in his opinion, a completely pointless space, containing nothing but a set of other transportalizers.  
“Why the fuck don’t we just have two other transportalizers in the lab?” He asked Kanaya once, out of pure boredom. She had just dismissed him; he had a habit of talking just to talk, and if she indulged him, it was unlikely he would shut up. He rolled his eyes; way to avoid a legitimate question. With a groan he transported to the next room, holding twelve other transport pads. He looked around at the ring of small stone circles, giving a friend’s name to each.  
‘I guess… we only need four, now.’ He thought to himself.  
He pushed away the thought; he didn’t need to be thinking about such things at this hour. Another painful flash of lights signaled his transfer to his final destination. He sauntered down the hallway, stepping over then cracks in the floor habitually. He glanced over at an old chest; covered in cobwebs and dust. He was tempted to open it, but then remembered its contents. A sound escaped him lips; it was partly a tsk of scorn for even contemplating subjecting himself to that sort of idiocy, and it was partly a whimper of… pain? No, he felt no pain over such a trivial as an old chest.  
He arrived in his… area? It felt strange calling it a respite block, considering its lack of a slime pod or much of anything signifying such a place; but this place had somehow become his own. He supposed that it was the memories that made him stay here at night. He remembered creating the wigglers here, back when everyone was alive and well. He remembered the strange feeling of tiny black legs crawling over him as he tried to manage the squirming bastards. The little creatures seemed horrible at the time; but over time came to look upon that occasion with a strange fondness. He recalled the look Terezi had on her face when she picked up Karkat’s younger self; her usual eerie grin replaced by a soft lop-sided smile. When the little devil nipped at her fingers, she had just giggled a little; as if everything in the universe was alright for a minute. It had been a while since he’d seen that smile. Where had it gone? Where had she gone? He shook his head; he missed that girl more than he could express.  
He trudged past, brow furrowing. He made his way to his little corner of the room, ready to sit down and relax for a few hours, when something caught his eye. He turned to see his warped reflection staring at him in the glass of the empty green ecto-jars. He came closer, his eyes narrowing. He touched the back of his neck, a bit stunned.  
“Fuck.” He whispered as he stared at his nearly shoulder-length hair.  
“How did that happen?” He muttered under his breath. He tried to think back to the last time he had a haircut, and found, to his horror, that it had been almost two and a half years. He ran his fingers through his hair and frowned; it was time to visit Kanaya.

She lay the human down, careful not to disturb her intoxicated slumber. She had found Rose in an inebriated pile on the floor, fast asleep a few moments before, and had felt obligated to put her to bed. She looked down with concern; Rose’s cheeks burned with an un-natural pink, and her breath was laced with the scent of vodka. What possessed her to do this to herself? She sat next to her, brushing a lock of hair from the young girl’s cheek.  
There was a quiet knock at the door, followed by a muffled sigh. She stood and strode towards the entrance, careful to be as quiet as possible. She opened it, only to find a weary Karkat Vantas looking at her with shadow-rimmed eyes.  
“Hey.” He offered, his voice weak.  
She looked him over, taken aback by his state. He looked… horrible. His eyes were bloodshot and enclosed in dark-red rims. Framing his sleep-deprived face was a mop or black hair, now long enough to brush his shoulders. He slouched over, as if in physical pain.  
“Oh, um, hello.” She said, realizing that she was staring at him in silence.  
“I… I was looking for you.” He started, voice unusually hoarse and raspy.  
“hmm?”  
“You weren’t in your… respite block or whatever the fuck you want to call it, so I assumed you were here.” He made and attempt at faking anger or enthusiasm, but found he could no longer summon the strength to make it seem convincing.  
“You’ve found me, so I suppose it wasn’t that much of a hindrance.” She said, trying to hide her curiosity as to why he was so weary.  
“Yeah… yeah… I guess I did.” He maundered… trailing off into quasi-conscious silence. He spent s few moments of standing in her doorway in silence, swaying slightly. Kanaya waited for him to say something, to give any clue as to his condition, but found that he was content with standing there awkwardly. He snapped out of it, furiously rubbing his eyes.  
“Wait… what the fuck was I going to say!?”  
“If I knew, we wouldn’t be standing here, would we?”  
“Ah, it was about my… hair? Yes, I was going to ask you… If… if you could maybe… give me a haircut.” He said, slowly pulling the words out of his mind. He looked away; admitting his state of dysfunction was almost painful. He felt as if he was a young child asking his lusus to clean his scraped knee, or perhaps a stray paw-beast meowing mournfully at a window for scraps of food. It made him feel… weak and helpless.  
“Of course, I would be remiss if I allowed you to walk around in this state.” She said, her complacent façade wearing thin. He seemed so pained, yet seemed to ignore it. He weakly smiled up at her, sharp teeth peering through parted ashen lips. He did not meet her eyes, but she could see a glimmer of relief.  
“Thanks.”  
[to be continued]


	2. Matters of fortune

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The duo discusses matters of fortune.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that this chapter is so unreadable. I've been a bit sleep-deprived as of late, so a good bit of it will probably look like strange ramblings with no rhyme or reason *so sorry*. Adieu!

Matters of Fortune

He stared blankly up at the ceiling as water ran though his inky curls and around his scuffed horns. The drone and gurgle water seemed to placate him; a discordant lullaby for weary ears. Suddenly, the calming hum ceased, taking him out of his pleasant haze. It was only then when the noise had ceased that silence became so evident and palpable. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Kanaya opening a bottle of shampoo; flooding the room with a dizzyingly sweet scent. He flinched a little as her slender icy fingers connected with his scalp. Kanaya instinctually pulled away, fearing she had somehow hurt him.  
“Umm, are you alri-”  
“Yeah, yeah I’m fine… it’s just that your hands are goddamn ice blocks.” He interrupted, hoping to break the stillness. She chuckled half-heartedly in reply.  
“Oh, yes, it appears so. Sorry about that.”  
Much to their dissatisfaction, they returned to the silence. She tentatively returned to lathering his hair; careful to avoid his horns. He looked up, glimpsing her face before quickly looking away. It was strange seeing how much she had grown. When they had entered the game, Kanaya had been a string bean; long slender legs and body that she, much to the envy of her friends, somehow managed to keep graceful and poised. Over the years she had developed into a fine young woman with modest curves and full lips, much to Karkat’s astonishment. As a child, he had always considered her ‘pretty’, but he felt odd saying that his best friend was… ‘beautiful’.  
She rinsed off the sudsy lather from his locks, watching him intently. He licked his lips slightly, beginning to speak.  
“So… How is Rose?” He inquired sheepishly. A frown grew on her lips as she turned off the shower head, leaving only the sound of dripping water and hushed breathing.  
“Rose is... ” She trailed off, frustrated that the proper word couldn’t find its way on to her tongue.  
“She… she hasn’t been around in a while.” The pained words tumbled over her deep emerald lips, flooding Karkat’s mind with guilt. He wanted to punch himself! What had possessed him to say such an idiotic thing?  
“Yeah, well…” He could still redeem himself; it was just a matter of saying something intelligent.  
“At least you two have each other.” A smile, faint but sweet slowly appeared on her face. He quietly sighed with relief, his redemption successful. His relief lasted but a moment before he noticed the look in her deep Jade eyes; a look of… concealed unease.  
“I suppose you are right. I should consider myself fortunate to have her here with me; I know so many who go without those they care for.”  
“Huh. Yeah, I guess you caught a break, in the end.” He mused.  
“I suppose you got the short end.” Karkat sat up causing his hair to drip all over the cold stone floor. He knew were this was going… and he wasn’t looking forward to it.  
“How so?” He asked as he feigned insolence.  
“I had always assumed that Jade was very special to you, was she not?” He tried to hide his mortification to no avail. His face filled with cherry red blood burning like the brightest Alternian summer.  
“…Just as a friend, of course.” She added quickly. The red subsided a bit at this, but refused to leave his face all together.  
“Umm,” He began, clearing his throat.  
“I consider her my friend… I guess. As to whether or not she does the same, I have no fucking clue. I… I hope she considers me her friend, despite all that shit I gave her when she was younger.”  
“I think Jade is fairly forgiving… I don’t think she will think any less of you.”  
“I don’t know. If I was in her shoes, I would fucking despise myself.” She leaned over, leveling herself with the sitting boy. She looked directly into his brilliant vermillion eyes, obscured mostly by his dripping wet hair.  
“Karkat, I understand how you feel, but I can assure you that she does not hate you.” He looked away, ashamed of his weakness. She stood, gesturing for him to follow her to her barber’s chair. He stood , but didn’t budge beyond that.  
“You know what Kanaya…” He began, cocking his head. Kanaya turned towards the young man and saw a new passion in his eyes.  
“You don’t understand. You got to apologize to Rose, when I never got to say goodbye to Jade! You had the chance to change her mind over these two fucking years that I spent without her! You got so FUCKING lucky, and you have the nerve to say that you understand? God damnit, she just remembers me as this asshole from a few years ago! And I’m…” He paused, swallowing the knot in his throat.  
“I’m nothing to her.”  
A moment of silence passed, the only sound being Karkat’s labored breathing. Suddenly, Kanaya started chuckling, a little bit pained.  
“You think I don’t understand?” She inquired calmly.  
“You think I don’t understand how it feels to be nothing to someone? I spent so many years asking for affection from a girl who didn’t even care about me. You think I don’t understand how it feels to wait for someone? I know it’s unfair. It’s not flowery or romantic as my books had told me… It… it hurts. And after all those years of foolishly waiting for that girl, I realized that she never loved me, and she never would. I wish that someone had told me of her true feelings. You, on the other hand… you have a chance. I have seen the way that she talks about you. I’ve seen the way you two act together, and I know that you two are meant to-”  
“Meant to what, Kanaya? She doesn’t even-”  
“I know that you love her, Karkat.” She interrupted, staring straight into his eyes. He stopped mid-sentence, completely petrified. He could do nothing but stand there as his semi-conscious mind tried to formulate a rebuttal. However, Kanaya was faster on the draw.  
“She loves you too, whether you choose to believe it or not.”  
[to be continued]


	3. Smother

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karkat's denial is holding strong, but Kanaya is determined to extract the truth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello readers! I'm sorry this chapter took so long; I was on hiatus for a while there. This chapter is kind of rough, but hopefully I will be able to polish it later once I'm back in the swing of things. Thanks for holding on! Adieu!

Smother  
A moment of silence passed as Karkat stood before the jadeblood, completely flustered.  
“That’s… preposterous.” He said as his voice broke, crossing his arms. She tried to meet his eyes, but he kept looking away. She figured that it was best to change the subject: he obviously wasn’t going to listen to her anyways. Sighing, she stored her scissors and comb in her sylladex. She led him away from her shower, putting the shower head back in its cradle before she left.  
“Please sit down; I’d like to cut your hair while it’s still wet.” She noted, gesturing for him to sit. He rolled his eyes and seated himself, staring down at the floor as if it was going to swallow him up and transport him away from here. Of course, the cold concrete was unforgiving.  
Kanaya tilted her head slightly, examining him from different angles. She reached out with thin tapered fingers and touched a lock of black hair just behind his ear. He cringed, but his reaction went un-noticed by the young woman. She began to comb out his hair, remaining silent.  
“Do you know how you want to have it cut?” She asked without even meeting his eyes.  
“Do you remember how it used to look?” Karkat asked. She tried to remember the boy from years ago; the short child with sharp silver eyes and a bit of a baby face. This boy seemed to be departed from the young man before her. He had grown taller than her, his small slumped shoulders had broadened, his once silver eyes had filled with mutated scarlet; he had changed quite a bit over the years. This, however, was not what caught the attention of Kanaya Maryam.  
As of late, he seemed almost… exhausted. In the last month or so, his rate of deterioration seemed to increase: the light seemed to fade from his once-bright eyes little by little every day. It concerned her, tying her guts in knots every time she thought of it.  
"I suppose I do. I’ll try my best to mimic it." She intoned. She began to cut, the black curls falling to the ground like slain beasts. Karkat sighed as the the heavy locks fell away, leaving his head feeling light. As he watched the locks of black hair hit the ground, he was reminded of an old friend.  
"Jegus fuck FF, do I really have to braid all of this?" Sollux had asked Fefferi, whom sat waiting for him to braid her unkempt hair.  
"You shore are grumpy. This is nofin compared to some of my bad hair days." She said in her sing-song voice. Groaning, he picked up a piece of her hair.  
"Fine." he sighed as he began to braid. Karkat remembered the small grin that rode the corners of Sollux’s mouth as he worked. He had always hidden his smile, but somehow Fefferi drew it out of him.  
Fefferi… Karkat felt a twinge of pain as he remembered her: her limp limbs and her vacant glazed-over stare. He remembered the fuchsia blood rolling over the pile of metal and plastic horns. She looked like a fish washed up on a plastic shore, so utterly helpless.  
He winced.  
'It's fine, it's fine. It's no big deal.' He thought to himself. His thoughts were far from his control as he sat there in the silence. Still frames of that day flooded his mind… the blood on the walls, the bodies strewn and battered, the sound of his heart as it raced, the last words of his friends-  
"Karkat." He heard her speak, yet her voice seemed far off. She knelt besides him, laying her scissors on the ground.  
"Karkat." She repeated in a stronger tone. He looked up at her, a bit startled. His eyes were wide and his brow was drawn into a pained expression; something she had only seen in him once before.  
"What’s wrong?" She demanded, her voice firm. He licked his lips  
"Nothing." He responded with a little stutter.  
"Karkat Vantas, do you honestly expect me to believe that? Do you really think that little of my intellect?"  
"Kanaya…" He began, his voice cracking. Sighing, she closed her eyes and awaited a response.  
"I’ve just been tired lately, okay? Just… just, calm the fuck down! There’s nothing wrong."  
"No."  
"No?"  
"No, I will not ‘calm the fuck down’. Perhaps you do not grasp that I am trying to help you." She sternly replied. Karkat’s lips curled up into a snarl as he stared at the ground. He muttered something through his gritted teeth, but Kanaya could only catch a fragment of it.  
"Excuse me, did you say something?" She inquired. He repeated it, not changing his volume at all.  
"What did you-"  
"I SAID: ‘YOU CAN’T HELP ME’! THERE: WAS THAT LOUD ENOUGH?!" He boomed.  
"What is wrong with you?!"  
"NOTHING! YOU CAN’T HELP ME BECAUSE THERE IS NOTHING TO FIX! Don’t you get it?!" He choked on the knot in his gut. The sound of shuffling feet filled the empty room.  
"Mom?" A weak and slurred voice called.  
"Mommy? Whattss that noise? Yroue not drinking again, ahre yuo?" Rose emerged from the shadows, swaying with intoxication. Her pale lavender eyes peeked through her feathered white locks as she slowly sauntered over to the pair of trolls.  
"Mom?" She asked before stumbling over her own legs. Landing with her palms to the ground, she let out a few strained breaths.  
"Uh… uh Ow." She managed to sputter. Kanaya was already by her side, ready to assist her.  
"Oh, ish you, Koyna! I seem tuh avhe… hurt myleff. I… I have an ‘Owwy’."  
Kanaya said nothing as she helped the girl up. She noticed the red liquid starting to erupt from Roses scraped palms, but forced herself to maintain a calm facade.  
"I’ll be back." Kanaya sighed to Karkat as she wrapped the inebriated girl’s arm around her shoulder.  
"You’ve got to go to bed, Rose." She said calmly as she carried her away.  
"It wash so loud tho, like a thunderstorme err somethink. I couldn’t fall asleep. Anywhayz…Ahh, g’night Carcat. Heh Car-Cat…beep beep meow." Rose giggled with a weak wave. He remained silent as the two girls disappeared into the shadows.  
Sleep… it seemed so alien to him, in concept. Insomnia had stolen it from him, leaving it a stranger. It had been a while since he had last slept… maybe he could just rest his eyes for a moment? No. He had to stay true to his will. Though he would never admit it, he couldn’t wait for Kanaya to return, and to, perhaps, keep his mind occupied and away from thoughts of rest or respite.  
It was going to be a long night.


	5. Letters to No One

"Thanks Konya." Rose sighed. The smell of vodka rode her breath like a kite in the wind. Kanaya looked down at the bibulous young girl, her lips a thin black line as she worried. She smoothed the wrinkles in the sheets with a similar expression, perhaps as an excuse to not make eye contact. Rose’s eyes seemed dull and glazed over when she was in this state, something that Kanaya had noticed early on in their relationship. It was most evident in those dark nights when no one else was around. She would sit on the floor, writing some half-baked story as she giggled and hiccuped. Then, almost out of nowhere, she would begin to cry. It would start with shaking shoulders and a quiet sniffle, then build to a frame-rattling cry. She would call out for her mother, and her brother, and even John and Jade. When Kanaya rushed to comfort her, she would give her a look… a look that would set the young troll on edge. Through the tears and the dull stare, she could see a truly deep pain. A pain that, when sober, was tucked away behind walls of logic and words. It was rare to see it show itself.  
”Goodnight, Rose.” She sighed.  
"G- goodnight, Kanaya." Rose replied as her eyelids began to close. The girl’s gray skin began to glow with a jade hue as a small smile came to her face.  
She walked through the halls, the rhythmic sound of her footfalls echoing into the darkness. She hummed an old Alternian lullaby as she walked. Almost as if it appearified out of thin air, a thought came to her. She found herself walking towards the computer lab, her feet guided by a hunch. She entered the hollow room and sighed… it was once so alive with color and light, but now seemed so monochromatic. She could almost see her friends sitting at the desks, typing away in their Trollian windows. It was with a heavy heart that she ran her hand over the desks, her fingers leaving scars in the thin film of dust that had gathered there. This room had seen far too many things, she realized. The walls still bore the wounds inflicted all those years ago. The crack in the wall from Sollux and Eridan’s fight, the crater in the floor from Aradia’s sudden death, the pock marks in the walls from the shrapnel of the Matriorb; the room had seen it all, and had stayed suspended in time.  
There was only one workspace spared from the dust, one little lonely island in a sea of gray. Karkat’s space in the lab had been cleaned, perhaps by a stray elbow grazing the ashen film. She touched the computer with a tentative hand, and pursed her lips as she realized that it was still warm from it’s last use.  
What had he been doing? There was little to no need to use the computers anymore: they were essentially only good for Trollian at this point. She pressed the on button and watched in whir to life. It seemed to hum with some kind of secret, ready to be told. She considered waving her curiosity aside in exchange for a clear conscience, but alas her mind was stuck on it.  
She logged on through his username and password, a feat which required her to know his password. She had already figured it out, of course… or rather, she had already gotten Sollux to figure it out for her a while back. The Mustard-blooded troll had done this task with ease, finishing the deed by cracking his knuckles and leaning back in his chair.  
"I don’t know why you’d what to look at this nook-suckers things, but whatever." He had said with one of his snide little laughs. She had felt a little uneasy at requesting this, but was reassured by her instinct. She had felt, since meeting the boy, that it was her duty to keep him in line. He was so short-tempered, so headstrong, so erratic and spontaneous that it would be an act of neglect to leave him unsupervised.  
She was in. The mouse found its way to the Trollsum icon, hovering over it like a mother over a sleeping child. She took a deep breath. A number of thoughts passed through her worried think pan as she stood frozen in her place. It was a distinct possibility that this was all in her head… that his weary eyes were a product of her boredom-fueled paranoia. Could it be that he was fine? A part of her wished it to be so, a part of her wished that she could turn off the computer, turn around, and walk away; sadly, this part of her was overruled by this uneasiness in her gut. So, with a renewed resolve, she clicked on the icon.  
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling arsenicCatnip [CG]  
[CG] I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.  
CarcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling arsenicCatnip [CG]  
CarcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling arsenicCatnip [CG]  
I REALLY DON’T KNOW WHY I’M DOING THIS. ITS THE MOST PATHETIC THING I’VE EVER GANDERED WITH MY OGGLE SPHERES.  
I JUST…  
I JUST WANTED TO SAY SOMETHING TO YOU.  
WHICH IS FUCKING STUPID BECAUSE I KNOW YOU AREN’T ON THE OTHER END. I JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU THAT I…  
GOD, THIS IS FUCKED UP.  
I’M SORRY. I’M SO SORRY, NEPETA.  
I FUCKED UP THIS TIME.  
I REALLY FUCKED UP.  
YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO DIE. NONE OF YOU DID. YET, HEY, HERE WE ARE.  
GOD.  
LOOK, I KNOW THAT YOU LIKED ME. OR AT LEAST, YOU DID ONCE. AND I TREATED YOU LIKE SHIT. I TREATED YOU LIKE SHIT AND DIDN’T GIVE A SECOND THOUGHT TO THE WHOLE DAMNED THING. I’M SORRY, NEPETA. I’M SORRY I DIDN’T FEEL THE SAME WAY YOU DID. YOU WE’RE A NICE GIRL AND YOU HAD THE BIGGEST HEART OUT OF ALL OF US. AND I WALKED ALL OVER IT.  
I KNOW YOU’LL NEVER READ THIS. BUT, WHEREVER YOU ARE. I HOPE YOU CAN FORGIVE ME FOR BEING SUCH A FUCKING IDIOT.  
CarcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling arsenicCatnip [AC]   
CarcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling caliginousAquarium [CA]  
I REALLY WANT TO HATE YOU RIGHT NOW.  
I SERIOUSLY DOUBT YOU WOULD BE ABLE TO COMPREHEND THE MAGNITUDE OF MY TEMPTATION AT THIS VERY MOMENT. I WOULD FUCKING *LOVE* TO TYPE A FUCKING NOVELLA ON THE TOPIC OF HOW MUCH I HATE YOU FOR ALL THE STUPID SHIT YOU DID. MY FINGERS WOULD BLEED PROFUSELY AS MY FINGERS GRACEFULLY DOCUMENTED MY BURNING HATRED.  
THE SAD THING IS THAT YOU WOULD PROBABLY TAKE ALL OF THIS CALIGINOUSLY, WOULDN’T YOU?  
GOD, YOU WERE THICK.  
DESPITE ALL OF THAT, THAT’S NOT REALLY WHY I CAME.   
YOU WERE RIGHT. WELL, IN THE MOST IDIOTIC AND BACKWARDS WAY POSSIBLE.  
YOU WERE ALWAYS GOING ON ABOUT FUCKING PATHETIC YOU WERE.  
AND TRUST ME, YOU WERE.  
BUT, YOU SAID TO ME, A LONG TIME AGO, THAT GROWING UP IS HARD. AND THAT NO ONE UNDERSTANDS.  
AND YOU WERE RIGHT. IT FUCKING SUCKS.  
IT’S WHEN ALL THE SHIT YOU USED TO BELIEVE IN BECOMES A LIE. IT’S WHEN YOU UNDERSTAND THAT YOU CAN NEVER GO BACK. EVER. NO MATTER HOW MANY STUPID PESTERLOGS YOU OPEN.  
YOU CAN NEVER TRULY BE A KID AGAIN. IT REALLY FUCKING TERRIFIES ME THAT THESE ARE THE *BEST* YEARS OF OUR LIVES. WHAT DOES THAT GIVE US TO LOOK FORWARD TO? GROWING OLD? GROWING UP? IT’S ALL FUCKED UP.  
AND IN SOME SENSE, I ENVY YOU FUCKERS. YOU WILL GO ON FOREVER WITHOUT A SINGLE FUCKING PROBLEM WHILE THE REST OF US HAVE TO GO ON WITH OUR LIVES. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO. WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE ALL MEET UP AGAIN?  
WHAT HAPPENS TO US?  
WE’VE BEEN WORKING TOWARDS THIS FOR *YEARS*, YET, WHAT DOES IT MEAN? WHAT IF, WE GET THERE, AND ALL WE GET IS A FEW MORE YEARS OF BUSTLING AROUND ON THESE STUPID FUCKING ROCKS, AND A QUIET DEATH?  
AND THAT SCARES ME. I KNOW THAT’S STUPID, BUT IT’S FUCKING HORRIFYING.  
YOU WERE RIGHT, AND I NEVER EVEN BOTHERED TO LISTEN. I THINK THAT’S PROBABLY WHY YOU DID EVERYTHING YOU DID. YOU WERE AFRAID, AND FRANKLY, I DON’T BLAME YOU.  
CarcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling caliginousAquarium [CG]  
She held her hand over her mouth as she read. Her stomach tied itself in knots. A feeling of uneasiness seeped into her as she searched through the messages.  
I’M SORRY.  
YOU WERE RIGHT.  
IT WASN’T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN LIKE THIS.  
I WISH YOU WERE STILL HERE.  
IS IT ANY BETTER, ONCE YOU’RE GONE?  
PLEASE.  
PLEASE FORGIVE ME.  
There were dozens of them, pleading for some understanding from those who could no longer listen, let alone understand. A hotness came to her eyes, threatening to bring tears.  
I FUCKED UP.  
I REALLY FUCKED UP.  
She kept scrolling, kept reading all these letters written to no one. And for a moment, her guard was down.  
"Kanaya?"  
She turned, startled.  
He stood a few feet from the transportalizer, red eyes full of fear. He took a breath, as if to speak, but said nothing. He glanced over at the screen and it’s rows and rows of gray letters, and became a statue, frozen in it’s place.  
She dared not wipe her eyes, her dared not speak, she dared not move. with a burning face, he stared down at the ground. For once, the two speakers were at a loss for words. They were their only hope of escaping this standoff, yet they abandoned them, leaving them out in the harsh cold.  
Before Karkat even realized that she was walking towards him, Kanaya had him in her arms. She gripped his sweater tightly as she rested her head on his shoulder. He stood in shock as the jadeblood comforted him. He slowly, painfully slowly, wrapped his arms around her, trembling slightly.  
And in silence, they stood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More to come.


End file.
